Do This, Not That // Tips For Flying Budget Airlines

Hey, I’ve done it too. I’ve been sucked in by the allure of getting something that used to cost $500 for just $50. It’s human nature. Like yielding to a buy one, get one free sale regardless of how badly you actually need two battery-powered ear hair trimmers. You get TWO of them for the price of ONE—how can you pass that up? Besides, don’t you want to be prepared? I hear old age is a bitch. By the way, I’m here to give you tips for flying budget airlines, in case I lost you at “ear hair”.

Sometimes the low, low prices offered by budget airlines are too good to be true, just like Frankie Valli said. “At long last love my flight has arrived. And I thank God I’m alive.” (Those are the words, right?) But sometimes they’re just the thing to help you explore more and justify to your husband all those charges on the credit card bill. “But I got TWO for the price of ONE!”

For instance, I rarely get a beverage or snack during my flight (sleep city/nut allergy), so why should I have to pay for that? I bring my own water bottle, pillow, headphones, and entertainment—so why should I have to pay for those? After back-to-back in-flight airplane food-related food poisonings, I no longer eat airplane meals—so why should I have to pay for those? (And, boy, did I pay for them!) Cut out the cost of all the stuff you don’t use and your flight would be hella cheap. Enter: the budget airline.

But just as the pay for what you use concept has been introduced into air travel, so has the pay for what we can trick you into using model by certain, less ethical budget airlines that I’m sure you’ve read about in the not-so-popular magazine Screwing You Monthly. Now, I’ve had great/pleasant/wonderful experiences flying budget airlines but I’ve also had some real dumpster fires too. In an effort to keep you from making the same travel mistakes I have, here are my tips for flying budget airlines. (Blog post on avoiding non-travel mistakes to come at a later date if demand is high enough. Here’s a teaser: don’t get a perm!)

Don’t book a flight on a budget airline and think you’ve simply scored a cheap-as-hell flight. I mean, you can. It’ll be hilarious for everyone around you at check-in when the reality of what you’ve done sets in like a venereal disease. Those cheap-as-hell flights are cheap-as-hell for a reason—the reason being that you no longer get all the goodies of standard air travel, without incurring extra individual fees: beverages, snacks, entertainment, ability to bring luggage on your overnight trip (the nerve of some people wanting to bring a change of clothes, really), basic human decency, and even mandatory things like boarding passes.

Not all budget airlines exist solely to screw you in holes you didn’t even know you had. Not all budget airlines operate under the myth that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.” Not all budget airlines have naked “babes” on their website. I’m not kidding—there are boobies. And she strips for you.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Spirit Airlines was my first real experience on a budget carrier. These still-coulda-been-worse experiences with this nightmare company almost ruined budget airlines for me. I wonder, how many other travelers have been scared off by Spirit Airlines, whose mere mention conjures up the image of Chucky from Child’s Play? Since then, I’ve traveled with a handful of others and am more pleasantly surprised each and every time.

My most recent budget flights—just a month ago—were with Frontier Airlines and they were some of the best air travel experiences I’ve had. I’d go so far as to call them the Anti-Spirit but that sounds mildly Satanic so maybe I’ll come up with something else. The staff and crew were courteous and polite; they didn’t hesitate to print a boarding pass for me (even though I’d already printed mine out at home); the terminal and plane were clean (why is this something I even have to applaud?); and I didn’t at all feel like I actually had made a deal with the Dark One.

The same could be said for all budget airlines that aren’t Spirit, probably. The staff on Wow Air couldn’t have been nicer (or more otherworldly gorgeous—what the hell, Iceland?) and the pilot wakes you to see the northern lights out your window. The Norwegian Air planes are made by Rolls Royce and are some of the highest tech gadgets I’ve flown in. The Ryan Air flight I took was back in 2012 from Rome to Munich and I remember nothing of it. So, there’s one publicity cliché that rings true in the context of air travel: no news is good news.

The article contains every warning you need before considering Spirit Airlines a worthwhile option: an in-depth look at my experiences with them which can easily be compared to a kidnap and ransom, a look at all the ways they’re going to unfairly and unethically squeeze money from you, a hefty depiction of Spirit’s complete lack of a moral code, and some side-boob. Seriously, when Spirit comes a knockin’ just play it safe and pretend you’re not home.

Are these charges straightforward and upfront? Sure, if you’re already nosing around the fine-printed section labeled “Optional Services” despite the fact that many of these are about as optional as growing fingernails. Budget airlines profit from your cluelessness and not knowing what all you’re going to be charged for keeps them in business. Don’t you think it’s in their best interest to keep you in the dark as much as possible? You must self-advocate—only you can prevent forest fires getting screwed. Besides, don’t you at least want to wait until you get to Europe to get pick-pocketed?

It’s true that some of these fees can be optional and your flight can remain cheap-ish, if you plan accordingly and are willing to sacrifice and/or make a deal with the devil. So what are some ways around these fees that’ll still get you through those pearly gates? Here are some tips for flying budget airlines cheaply:

Read every airlines’ terms and conditions, “optional services” pages, and all fine print thoroughly and with the assumption that they’re trying to trick you. Because they are.

Print your boarding pass at home. Printing your boarding pass at an airport kiosk or—dare I say it—having an agent print it for you will cost you. And don’t think you can get by with saving a digital boarding pass to your phone because Spirit Airlines is a bunch of lying, manipulative assholes.

Bring everything you think you’ll need during your flight. That includes a water bottle to fill up after security, some snacks, your own headphones, a travel pillow, meditation tapes if that’s what it takes, and, if you don’t care to read all the fine print, an industrial sized jug of lube.

Spell your name right. Because correcting a misspelling of your name is something they charge for leads me to believe this happens more often than I, a fellow member of the human race, would like to think.

Try to keep all your interactions with the airline online. If you have to use the spoken word to communicate with them, consider your meter running. Try to limit all questions and concerns to email, live chat help, and relentless Twitter shaming.

If you have to pay for luggage, do so as early as possible. Paying for your luggage choice at the same time you book the flight will be the absolute cheapest option. If you have to go back and add a bag you didn’t think you were going to take, that price is now more and your hair a bit more gray. If you wait until you get to the airport and want to check a bag, the price of that bag has skyrocketed. And, HEAVEN FORBID, you make it to the gate before realizing you have to check your bag (because no one has stopped to warn you along the way), that piece of luggage now costs double, maybe even triple, what YOUR FLIGHT cost. You know when Wile E. Coyote accidentally eats a stick of dynamite, turns all red, and steam comes out his ears? THAT’LL BE YOU! You know when Dr. Evil puts his pinky up to his face and evil-laughs? THAT’LL BE THE AIRLINE! Getting off on the ONE MEEE-LLION DOLLARS you’ve just given them.

Share luggage. On most budget airlines, one checked bag costs less than two carry-ons. Provided you’ll be together for the whole trip, share a much larger checked bag with your husband or whoever you’re traveling with (different colored sets of packing cubes help!).

They’ll say things like, “We’ll try to make sure you sit by your husband, but we can’t guarantee anything.” The thought of being trapped between won’t-shut-up-lady and clips-his-toenails guy sixteen rows behind your husband has you whipping out your credit card before that flying toenail can even land in your imaginary bag of Lays. And just like that your flight costs $25 more, which in some cases may be what you paid for your flight in the first place.

I’ll admit to feeling a slight twinge of fear when these warnings pop up but I refuse to give in. Never have I paid extra to choose my seat for a budget flight and never have I been separated from my husband. I imagine it’s harder to keep a larger family together but with just the two of us, paying extra is as ludicrous as not arresting someone for clipping their nails in public, be it finger or toe.

Not only do they weigh your bags but they also don’t bluff with those “your bag must fit inside this box” boxes. Think your standard carry-on is fine? THINK AGAIN, SUCKA! I mean, there’s a chance you’re wrong. On one trip, my travel buddy and I both had “carry-ons” by any sense of the word. Mine fit without issue. Hers broke the metal box. When it broke it made a noise that sounded an awful lot like “CHA-CHING BITCHES!”

Don’t take the airline’s listed weights and size dimensions as estimates, recommendations, or preferences. This is not the form you filled out in the gynocologist’s waiting room.

My point being: Just because you flew Spirit once, don’t think that on your upcoming Frontier flight you’ll have to wear all six sweaters you’ve packed to keep your bag under the 40 LB weight limit. Do it because you run cold and because want to stand out as “ballsy”. Do these differences apply to more than just bag weight? Like size limits and check-in times? I’d bet my stack of polar bear trading cards on it. Check all the things! Read all the pages! Every time you fly with a new-to-you budget airline, start the process all over again. Budget air travel is a continuing education program.

If, after all the research and reading all the tips for flying budget airlines, you do book a ticket, OWN. IT. Have confidence in your decision, weigh and measure like your life depends on it, and earmuff yourself to all your Facebook friends’ opinions. Let your experience be your experience.

When you’re playing a game where you can’t possibly win and your opponent always has the upper-hand, just go ahead and accept it for what it is: bullshit reality. Knowing ahead of time that there’s a good chance you missed something will help cushion the blow against a $100 left-handers fee. Even the most seasoned of travelers aren’t immune to this kind of defeat.

Model #1 works because all services and “optional extras” are priced a la carte, like those restaurants that sell you a steak without an included side item. And are you going to eat that filet without some sort of $7 potato option? Of course not. You’re not an animal, pshh. Model #2 works because, technically, they can still offer you what everyone else does: a “flight”, which is to say, they will pick you up in one place and drop you off in another via the sky. We’ve already discussed Model #1, so let’s move on to what you’re going to feel like after your budget flight, a big ol’ number two.

Needles to say, you’re going to be more than a little physically and mentally uncomfortable during your budget flight*. Seriously, only attending your ex’s “fur coats in Phoenix”-themed wedding ceremony would be less excruciating. So what can you do about it? “Be preparrrrrrreeeedddd” – Uncle Scar

*Now, having said all this, I’d like to give major props to Norwegian Air. My last couple of flights with them were aboard their Rolls Royce 787 Dreamliner. It was comfortable, enormous, had oodles of personal entertainment, and fancy windows you controlled with a button instead of a shade (entertainment in and of itself).

However, there are exceptions to this rule. Flights from the U.S. to Europe on Norwegian are, at the very least, 5 hours long. These planes tend to be more comfortable (with cushioned seats that recline and adult-sized tray tables) but often still suffer the lack of entertainment. Plus, when flying over the Atlantic Ocean, YOU AIN’T GOT NO CHOICE, SUCKA!

Just because that flight was listed at $50 does not mean that’s how much you’re going to pay for it. Add up luggage costs, various “optional fees”, something that surprised you at some point, and, heaven forbid you’re one of those lucky tall people, a seat of your choosing. There’s a prettay, prettay, prettay good chance that $50 flight now costs just as much as one on a “regular” airline. But with less comfort and more buyer’s remorse.

When searching for plane tickets, don’t automatically assume that your best bet is on a budget airline because the word “budget” is in it. (I’ve seen $400 base fares on Spirit Airlines before.) Before you confirm that purchase, visit the airline’s website and review all the costs you can potentially incur. Add them all up to get a roundabout estimate of what your budget flight would actually cost and compare that to the other flight options. #READTHEFCKINGTERMS (I wouldn’t be surprised if it said somewhere in there, “Are you serious? You really think we’re going to fly you to California for $42!? HAHAHAHAHAH LMAO”)