I think y’all can probably assume… life as a princess is pretty damn fabulous. You get to live in a magical forest with old witches who eat bratty children, you have really, really long hair that you can somehow still manage to braid all the way down where you can’t reach, and weirdos in bright-colored tights sing songs for your entertainment and if they suck, well then, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
Yes, I should totally be a princess. Let me know if you hear of any kingdoms in need of some heavy-handed ruling.
In the meantime, I’ll have to settle for my annual trip to King Richard’s Faire, New England’s largest Renaissance festival, where I can be all the princess I
was born to be want to be and eat all the kettle corn I can stomach. Though no one has actually died thus resulting in me coming into my own realm to rule for all of eternity, YET, a single day as a medieval princess is still pretty great.
Hear me out…
Studs with long hair on horseback fighting to the death.
They joust, they try to hook rings with their long sticks (I don’t know what this is called, ok?), and they fight each other with swords, all while trying to avoid huge piles of horse poo. Gotta keep that armor clean! My, what a shiny codpiece you have.
You’re not the weirdest person in the room anymore.
King Richard’s Faire is a magical place where there is always someone a little weirder than you. Someone, maybe, who has done the chicken dance on a Las Vegas stage not once, but twice. Sure, the other 364 days of the year the title is yours, but not here. Not today. The Faire is a place where everyone can come and let their inner freaks run wild. It’s fabulous. Specifically, these floozies – the Washing Well Wenches. Seriously, their show is worth the admission price right there. Prepare to get wet and verbally violated.
You’re not alone in your desire to dress up at every opportunity.
Now, I can’t say for certain that this isn’t their everyday attire BUT good for them because they look great! Believe me, I’m no stranger to being the only person in the room in a costume and I’m fine with this. Everyone else is just a loser. But if the thought of that situation makes your heart pound and your butt clench, King Richard’s Faire is where you need to be. Here, it’s those not dressed up that stand out. “OMG did you see his T-shirt? I mean, that is so not until the 20th century, what was he thinking?”
Can’t travel? Traveling back in time is a satisfactory remedy.
So you’ve used up all of your vacation time at your job as a minstrel, have you? Cobbler? Spinster? Nobody understands your pain more than I do – I’m pretty sure they offered more time off in the Dark Ages. If you can’t actually leave town, a day at the Renaissance Faire is a perfect solution to your troubles. Not only do you feel like you’re in another land completely, you’ve also traveled back in time which is a good show of talent right there. In the spirit of traveling abroad, you will meet many different kinds of people, witness some questionable fashion choices, and people will say things to you in words you can’t understand. ‘Tis quite delightful.
When you’re dressed like a princess, no one knows you’re the dork who recently sprained her elbow playing foosball at a bar.
Yes, that’s embarrassingly true. I’m fine now. They really shouldn’t allow such dangerous equipment in such close proximity to alcohol. I’m just going to start calling it a “soccer injury.”
Forget what your parents told you; it’s perfectly fine to throw sharp weapons.
Do you have pent-up aggression towards the village idiot? Is knife throwing your thing? Axe throwing? Those little metal pieces shaped like stars? Perfect! At King Richard’s Faire it’s altogether acceptable. Nay, encouraged! I’m decent at the star throwing but those huge, heavy axes? It’s as awkward as you’re picturing… and hella dangerous. You read about the foosball, right?
Kids love you. “Yes, I AM a real princess. Thanks for noticing.”
“…and this is a pint of my magic potion that helps me throw axes real good. I show you…”
You get to play in the forest all day and the scariest thing you’ll see is a size HH chest in a size XS corset.
Avert thine eyes! Don’t look directly at them; you’ll turn to stone!
Using nerdy medieval speak is cool again!
It’s not every day you get to use vocabulary of yore in your conversations with other real life people. But if you’re from Tennessee then you actually probably do still say “britches.”
Eating oversized food with your hands is socially acceptable.
Yes, I’m talking to you giant turkey leg.
People work their asses off to entertain you all day long.
Because we all know what happens if they fail. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
The most fabulous people watching in all the land.
Just trust me on this. When the costumes come on, the inhibitions come off. Huzzah!
You can buy all of your candles, tiaras, things made from leather and iron, chainmail, and swords that you’ll need for the whole year.
And you can never have too many swords or too much chainmail, right?
For more information on King Richard’s Faire or to just scope out the medieval cleavage, check out KingRichardsFaire.net. You can also find them on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Special thanks to the folks at King Richard’s Faire for hosting me and letting it be OK that I was wearing an appropriately sized brassiere. Also, this post contains an affiliate link. As always, all opinions and self-deprecating humor are mine. No, you can’t have it!
Have fun stormin’ the castle!
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