My blog is pretty popular in the Japanese poop fetish industry, if only by accident. Is this something I aspired to when I started this blog? ABSOLUTELY NOT. And yet here I am, disappointing internet users everywhere with my lack of toilet-cam footage.
Allow me to explain…
One (often unfortunate) feature of blogging is the ability to see exactly what search terms were used that brought people to my blog. This is to show me if what people search for and what information I provide match up. Do I answer readers’ questions? Do I provide relevant content to travelers, perverts, or whoever my target demographic is? (Well, it’s not perverts…)
Most of these searches are hidden, something about privacy concerns, blah blah. But every once in a while one gets through and I’m either excited I was able to help someone out, disappointed in the stupidity of the human race, or massively disturbed wondering, “WHY IN THE HELL AM I ASSOCIATED WITH THAT PHRASE?”
Every time I’m alerted to a new search, I find myself asking a load of followup questions to strangers I will never meet. (Thank GOD!) I’ve left out the truly disturbing ones because it’s bad enough they found me once and I’m dead certain I don’t want to rank higher in Google for … well, I can’t even say it. It’s bad enough I already said “poop fetish” so let’s just hope I go undetected for that one. Oh no, I’ve said it twice!
That being said, here are some of the funniest and most confusing search terms that have brought people to my wanderlusty blog. Lord help us!
“I like to dress like a medieval queen”
Where they landed: King Richard’s Faire // Why Life in a Medieval Princess Gown Doesn’t Suck
Yeah I get it; so do I. But why exactly must you search for this? Are you hunting for fashion inspiration? Nope, I don’t think that’s it. You’re looking for a support group, aren’t you? Your coworkers down at the bait and tackle shop just don’t understand, do they?
I’m willing to bet this was less of an internet search and more of a confession… a cry for help. Google always listens. Google never judges. Throw it out there, see what bounces back. And look at that–you got me. And I told you how life as a medieval queen kicks ass. I hope you take that lesson back to your motorcycle club with confidence.
“neuschwanstein castle history little paragraph”
Where they landed: Do This, Not That // Neuschwanstein Castle
So let me get this straight…
You want to learn about the history of Neuschwanstein Castle… but like… not that much? I’m not fully convinced that any craps at all are given here. You can’t be bothered with a full-sized paragraph? And do you think Google even has a setting for this? That Google is open to passing judgment on the size of paragraphs?
Did my post even help you? Sure, there’s some history squeezed in there amid self-deprecating humor and movie references but you would have had to really dig for it and frankly, I just don’t feel you’re up for it. But let’s be real, there are 1,593 words in that one so you probably just looked at the pictures and swiftly backed out.
I hope you find just as little as you’re looking for…
And while we’re on the subject… a recent search out of Indonesia:
“spell neuschwanstein”
Nailed it!
I’m pretty sure you could’ve left off the “spell” part and still got your answer. Unless… are you a witch? Do you also like to dress like a Medieval queen perhaps?
“how do you survive the nine realms of hell”
Where they landed: Snowferno & The Nine Circles of Hell (that’s since been archived)
Oh, you poor, poor thing. I’m sorry but you are asking the wrong person. Despite being the #3 result on Google for this (seriously Googs…?), I couldn’t be less of a help on the subject. Plus, I’m kind of enjoying down here. It’s warm. We’ve got heavy metal. And Fireball. Soooo… good luck! Have fun stormin’ the castle!
Besides, aren’t you supposed to have a guide? What about that poet friend of yours? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re in Hell haven’t you already, by definition, NOT SURVIVED?
“long drive pee canada”
Where they landed: Québec City // The Europe You Can Drive To
Umm… just… huh?
Are you about to embark on your first ever road trip? Did no one tell you what to do if you’re driving and you need to pee? Have you never been to Canada and you just don’t know what to expect from this exotic, foreign, toilet-less land?
Well guess what! Canada has gas stations, and rest stops, and even Wal-Marts just like we have here in America. They also have trees and bushes and nature just like us too! Can you believe it? There are so many places to pee in Canada!
And speaking of Canada…
“fuck in the ice hotel”
Where they landed: Hôtel de Glace // Straight Chillin’ at Québec City’s Ice Hotel
Well, it’s my own fault. The occasional F-bomb in an article attracts all types.
Also, just don’t. Bad idea. Really bad idea. We’re talking 0°F here and a strict 12-step sleeping bag preparation/survival protocol. Frostbite is a real danger and everyone knows what happens when you put your tongue on a frozen pole…
Actually, go ahead. Try it. I’d be interested in hearing that 911 call.
“do boobs appear at Oktoberfest?”
Where they landed: Do This, Not That // Oktoberfest
Appear? Like, out of thin air? What in the hell are you talking about? There are women at Oktoberfest, yes. Every one of them brings boobs with them when they arrive. They worked hard to grow them from scratch and it’s taken their entire lives to do so. To ask if they just appear? What kind of ungrateful bastard are you?
“Big ass nudity in iceland”
Where they landed: Do This, Not That // Iceland’s Blue Lagoon
I AM THE #1 ENTRY ON GOOGLE FOR THIS. You’re welcome, internet.
Will someone please tell me what this person was searching for? Nude people in Iceland with big asses? That has to be it, right? I can wrap my head around the big badonkadonk but why Iceland in particular? Are Icelandic asses unique in some way? Or do you have a big ass yourself and you’re wondering how you will be received in Iceland?
My article on Iceland’s Blue Lagoon is still my most popular article to date. Because of this, I’ve been able to help a lot of people curious about the shower/nudity situation but have also attracted a lot of unwanted readership. My take on this? Anytime you put the word “nudity” in a blog post, it becomes an instant freak-magnet. It is what it is.
“i don’t want to take a communal shower in iceland’s blue lagoon”
It’s fine, sweetie. You don’t have to.
And for the love of God, can we please put this rumor to rest already? YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOWER NAKED WITH STRANGERS AT ICELAND’S BLUE LAGOON. Look what you are making people Google! You’ve reduced an otherwise strong, confident human being to a whining mess hidden under, presumably, layers upon layers of clothing.
And you… do you really think a tourist attraction is going to force you to strip down and bathe in a group? This is a spa! This is not Nazi Germany! Get ahold of yourself!
“anything”
Where they landed: I have no idea
Could you not think of something to search for? Did you actually Google “something” already? Are you simply trying to figure out how Google works? Did you ask your friend, “Hey, what can I search for on Google?” to which he replied, “Anything, bro…”??? HOW HIGH ARE YOU?
More importantly, did you find what you were looking for? By any chance was it:
- the paperback book, Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul? It only costs $0.01 on Amazon.
- this article that answers the burning question “Why are cats fussy eaters but dogs will consume almost anything?” (It’s the photo that won me over.)
- this music video, “Anything” by Natasha Mosley… something about twerking? I don’t know… it’s not good.
Whatever it was, I hope I helped!
“has there been any deaths from falling out of gondola ride in venice”
Where they landed: Gondolas for Everyone! A Tour of Venice From the Water (that’s since been archived)
Oh, honey. Do you really want to go there? It’s like Googling your cold symptoms only to have the internet tell you you’ve got brain cancer and only three days to live.
If you haven’t figured it out by now I’ll let you in on a little secret: you can die doing just about anything. That being said, I’m pretty sure the Venetian gondola is about the safest form of water transportation out there. It’s man-powered. By a guy in a striped shirt holding a stick. It’s lined in crushed velvet. It glides along at roughly 0.5 mph (or something equally slow). This is not the Titanic. I’ll give it to you that the driver probably is on his cell phone the entire time but that just goes to show these things can be driven without the slightest of fucks given.
Clearly you are not laid-back enough to enjoy a Venetian gondola ride so might I suggest a good movie on the TV in your hotel room? A stroll through an art museum? Or the Doge’s Palace? Oh, wait. They have swords in there; better steer clear.
“does Taiwon poop in toilet?”
Where they landed: Modern Toilet // The Crappiest Restaurant in Taiwan
Nope, the Taiwanese are absolute animals and we simply won’t allow it. And just where do you think they poop? Aaaaand what the hell do you care? Oh, you’re only six years old? Things are starting to make sense now.
“shit shaped ice cream”
Surprisingly, this was a dead-on search. They landed exactly where they wanted to be. At least they included the word “shaped.” The search results would have been a lot more disturbing without it.
“crappiest themed restaurant”
Heh, gotcha!
The article I wrote on Modern Toilet, Taiwan’s (for whatever reason) toilet-themed restaurant, has brought to my blog and to my attention a sector of the population I wish I never knew existed: those with excretory fetishes, to put it as not-gross as possible. The searches would astound and disgust you and for that I have decided to omit them from this blog post. People are… interesting.
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The Ringling // Getting My Italy Fix in Florida
I can’t read your posts in public for fear of making an ass of myself laughing uncontrollably.
I’ll take that as the highest of compliments!
Hey Ashley – I found your blog through the TBS writing group and I’ve just started reading. First of all, I’m totally not surprised that people search for these terms.. there’s an audience for everything! Secondly, I love your style! This post in particular was hilarious, I can’t wait to follow along for more of your stories!
Thank you so much! That means so much to me! 🙂 And you’re absolutely right… there is someone out there for every conceivable subject I guess!
My blog receives a lot of weird search traffic. I posted about Skins (UK) ONCE, and now, I mostly receive traffic regarding a particular quote (what the right words were). Honestly, I considered taking it down, but that’d just lead ’em to 404s; it wouldn’t necessarily end the them.
I’d like to say it stops after a while, but…I’ve been going six years, and it’s only gotten wackier.
Haha yes, so wacky! And to think… the people who search for this stuff roam the earth among us…
This is the strangest thing I think I’ve ever had to think about. So many “whys”.
Haha, I know! Compared to these my Google searches seem super normal!