Do This, Not That // Snorkeling in Hawaii

Especially for a geeky ocean-lover like myself who spent her childhood learning to draw the perfect dolphin (still got it, btw), watching and re-watching Free Willy and wasting entire days listening for Michael Jackson’s “Will You Be There?” on the radio so I could tape it. TAPE IT. You know, pressing the ‘play’ and ‘record’ buttons simultaneously on the cassette player? (Readers under 30, ask your parents.) Every week was Shark Week in my seashell-filled house.

Why I waited so late in life to go snorkeling boggles the mind*. Like, real snorkeling… off a boat… with real gear and a guide. Not like the time I took a nose dive off a sandbar because I was so excited I caught a seahorse with my bare hands – and struggled desperately for air while everyone laughed at me. I was four.

*The fact that I grew up 600 miles from the nearest ocean and the closest thing I had to a body of water is known as the “Muddy Miss’ipp” is most likely the reason for this.

I know I’m probably the last person on earth to go snorkeling but in case I’m not, heed my advice! If you have yet to go snorkeling in Hawaii, heed my advice! This definitely tops my suggested list of ‘things to do in Hawaii.’ Actually, just read on. You’re bound to get something out of this article and if nothing else, I’ve included pictures of baby dolphins. You’re welcome.

You know those rare moments when you startlingly make the best possible choice? Like when you decide to just let that invasive vine grow around your house only to be surprisingly bestowed with an infinite number of grapes with which to make wine? Or when you come home with a stray dog you picked up next to the railroad and it ends up saving your life in a fire? Or when you decide to start a blog and it becomes just wildly successful? This snorkeling in Hawaii experience was one of those times!

Wild Side advertises whale watching, swimming with dolphins, and turtle reef snorkeling with a 95+% sighting rate all in the animals’ natural habitats. Sure, that sounds like a great pitch but what really sold me was their undeniable respect for the animals above all else. I don’t want to swim with captured, trained dolphins in an enclosed area. I don’t want to snorkel alongside idiots who think it’s fun to provoke animals (the cage bangers of the zoo world). And I don’t want to support a company that views any of that as acceptable. I want to see these animals and experience the ocean on their terms and Wild Side agrees with this 100%.

Note: I’m not affiliated with Wild Side Specialty Tours; I’m just *that* impressed with them.

The guided snorkeling tours offered by Wild Side are enthusiastically led by an expert crew of marine and wildlife biologists so, if you’re like me, you can get all 89,000 questions you have about marine life answered by professionals. I’m a delight to have aboard! These crew members are just as awestruck by the wildlife as you are and while you’re in the water with one guide, the other is on the boat shooting photos from above. Give your email address to the crew and they’ll send you the photos they take with some of the biggest camera lenses I’ve ever seen that I thought were specifically for capturing spit spewing from a soccer player’s mouth as he gets hit in the face with the ball. You know the ones I’m talking about.

This camera has come in handy so many other times while hiking (it’s shock proof – and with my record of falling down, a necessary attribute), during my visit to Iceland’s Blue Lagoon (another time a camera is an absolute must), and anytime I’m in or near water. Except when I’m showering or cooking spaghetti. Just kidding, I don’t cook. It also takes great videos that I won’t share with you due to the many awkward crotch shots I captured while trying to stay upright in the waves… I’m still working on my technique.

One thing you’ll quickly notice is that even though the dolphins are barely moving at all you’ll be supremely exhausted trying to keep up. They appear to glide effortlessly through the water but you’ll actually struggle to survive. You’ll gasp for air, hopefully with your snorkel above the surface. Your arms and legs will feel like lead weights you can’t possibly drag around another minute. You’re clearly not a dolphin. Lucky for us, the pods swim in circles so they will come back around to get you (no dolphin left behind!). Seriously though, I don’t know how they do it.

Second of all, have some respect for cryin’ out loud. It would be like a raccoon busting your door down, finding you half asleep on the couch watching reruns of Seinfeld, and poking at you with its little raccoon hand. Actually, that sounds kind of cute. OK I’m going to change raccoon to bear and I’m going to change Seinfeld to The Shining so that when it pokes you with its giant clawed hand your heart stops and you wet yourself.

Remember, you’re in their house as a visitor who just invited his/herself right on in. And this is coming from the girl who just absolutely has to touch everything!!! Sea turtles feel just like any old turtle* so if you must, take a trip to your neighborhood pet store and ask if you can pet one of theirs. Go ahead, I dare you.

*I worked in sea turtle conservation at an aquarium in Florida where the touching of a turtle was sometimes necessary. As was the de-beaking of squids, but that’s a story for another day.

As soon as we entered the water the whales started to dive and treated us to the most ridiculously badass experience. The entire pod dove down and swam directly under us, babies and all. If you are ever rewarded with this opportunity, take it! Don’t be the weenies on the boat. I was stunned. Completely speechless. I’ve never felt more alive! All other clichés! How often do you get the chance to swim in the ocean surrounded by whales? Of course I’m jumping in! 8-year-old me would have been crying hysterically with excitement, 30-year-old me was able to keep her shit together-ish.

*According to Wild Side’s page on pilot whales, “Oceanic white-tip sharks will often associate with pods of pilot whales. Following the whales while they hunt, they take advantage of the whale’s sonar abilities. The sharks also feed on the remains resulting from the whales attacks on schooling fish – and seem to also eat the pilot whale’s protein-rich feces for sustenance during lean times.”  See? Feces.

Shortly into the trip a couple of spearfishermen swam by with an octopus on a stick. Not exactly how I wanted to see my first wild octopus but I did get what I asked for. These cephalopods, I was told, were also most definitely all around us but those little camouflaged bastards are tricky to spot.

There was one other thing I was hoping to see while snorkeling in Hawaii, which I did – a humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa, Hawaii’s fun to say official state fish.

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST SNORKELING EXPERIENCE LIKE? LET ME KNOW BELOW!

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