Pig Out With Pilgrims // a Plimoth Plantation Thanksgiving

I had myself a merry little Plimoth Plantation Thanksgiving this year. Fine. I’ll admit it. I’m a nerd. There–ya happy?

Obviously, attempting to fit in with the cool kids has been a bigger failure than that time I tried out for the cheerleading squad. I was so concerned my comically thick glasses were going to fly off across the gymnasium in some sort of popularity Hail Mary that I looked more like a chihuahua trying to keep its head above water than a 12-year-old doing a cartwheel.

I tell you this because, at 33 years old, I no longer give a flying fig about taking the nerdy path through life. A path that led me straight to Colonial New England in a handbasket.

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Much like Pioneer Village in Salem, Massachusetts, it consists of a re-creation of a 17th century English village and Wampanoag Homesite, a visitor center, a craft center, the Plimoth (how they spell it sometimes) Grist Mill, and the Mayflower II (a seaworthy replica of the original Mayflower they take out occasionally for speed racing and booze cruises. Okay, I made that last part up). They have costumed role players on staff with whom you can discuss all sorts of Pilgrim-related issues like religious oppression and who gave whom Leptospirosis. The Wampanoag Homesite employs actual Native people in historically accurate clothing who aren’t playing a role and can freely talk with you about Snapchat without getting fired.

Unofficially, they have a llama so none of that other stuff matters.

I swear to you–as I live and breathe–that as I write this, a lone wild turkey just tip-toed past the window right next to me.

In this same sense, I love unique and authentic experiences–like enjoying hot chocolate and fondue on a Swiss mountain, attending a luau in Hawaii or getting robbed in Italy. And what is more authentic than a Thanksgiving dinner at the site of THE FIRST THANKSGIVING while a lady in a bonnet belts out a Puritan hymn, hmm?

Plimoth Plantation is the hub for all things breeches and petticoats and really… during what other time of the year do Pilgrims come up in conversation? This is pretty much it for them, y’all.

PLIMOTH PLANTATION THANKSGIVING DINNER

Plimoth Plantation Thanksgiving offers two dining options: the “America’s Thanksgiving Dinner”–the traditional sit-down Thanksgiving meal we all know, love, and blame for our familial animosity–and the most blatantly American of all dining options, the buffet.

I chose America’s Thanksgiving Dinner because it seems to be the more popular option but also because I’m lazy and I want my food brought to me so I don’t have to get up. Hi, my name is Ashley and I’m thankful for people who still work in the service industry despite the thankless career that it is. Besides, it’s always fun to have more silverware than you know what to do with. “Which fork do I use?! THERE ARE SO MANY FORKS!”

You’re seated at tables of eight or more so you’ll most likely dine with strangers–just like at the first Thanksgiving when the Pilgrims and Indians came together to talk smack about King James behind his back. Only now the strangers are half Irish and half Asian with one random Italian thrown in for good measure who expectedly eats all the food then begs the guy who refills the water for more beets.

You’re served “family-style” out of bowls so big and plentiful that you simply have nowhere to put them so you just sit there with a cauldron of butternut squash in one hand and a platter of bird in the other, secretly hoping beyond all hope that no one takes the wing while your hands are full. You consider yanking it off the plate with your teeth but decide against it partly because there’s now a baby at your table staring at you relentlessly while gumming a celery stalk and it just sorta freaks you out.

You’re served seconds and even thirds–as much food as you can stomach–because this is America and if stuffing yourself until you’re on the cusp of vomiting isn’t as much a Thanksgiving tradition as football and snapping a bird’s clavicle in half for good luck, I don’t know what is!

Before and after dinner you’re personally visited by famous Pilgrims like Myles Standish and… you know… that other one? They recount tales of crossing the Atlantic to go against the crown and start their own church, being among the first Europeans to spearhead a campaign in the New World but you just want to know more about how much beer the Mayflower could hold and who did and didn’t get scurvy. Also, what is scurvy? And they’re happy to oblige.

Native people in traditional dress will visit your table as well. They’ll describe to you the historically accurate outfits they’re wearing and you’ll sad-face-emoji all over your green beans listening to the menagerie that once roamed the land but now fills their closets. Some of their clothing is actually looking back at you. But you’re still jealous of how warm they look–pleather just isn’t what it used to be.

These are not role players because they are actually Native Americans. “Guy who occasionally paints himself and entertains folks at the Plimoth Plantation” is his actual role. Just as “Girl who occasionally showers and entertains folks on the internet” is mine. You know what–that sounded better in my head. Scratch that last statement from the record, por favor.

They settled mostly in eastern Massachusetts (check out this map) and were a matrilineal society where woman controlled the property and hereditary status was passed on through the maternal line. As it should be since the next generation literally comes out of the women. #girlpower

Plimoth Plantation’s Wampanoag Homesite offers visitors the chance to experience one of their 17th century settlements while learning about the culture from native locals. You can explore a couple of their shelters, watch how they make canoes and cook food, and ask all the questions you want. Sit by the fire to thaw out or relive all your childhood fantasies of living alone in the woods or on a deserted island in the Pacific. ⇠ Wow, I would’ve made an awful cheerleader. “….gimme an N! N! Gimme an E! E! What’s that spell? ‘For The Love Of God, Leave Me Alone!‘ Wooooo!”

Again, this is their day–oblige them accordingly. The same way your loved ones do on your birthday, your wedding anniversary, and that time your plane had not one, but two emergency landings in one day. I earned every one of those beers that day. “We fixed the problem”… lying sons of bitches.

You can wander through their farms (to get to the goats), stroll the neighborhood (to get to the chickens), ask the guy with the explosive charge about his musket (he works here, right?), even go inside their homes to see how these 17th century English colonists lived… then thank all that is good and pure that you were born 400 years later in the time of the tampon.

Maybe watching ladies in stockings churning butter isn’t really your “thing” but don’t forget there are also guys with beards and axes and that never gets old.

Unfortunately, my talent came way too late as I would have killed it in Colonial America. They had weavers and potters, butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. And the fact that these hobbies were necessary for the survival of their people automatically exempted them from getting beat up on the school bus!

The craft center at Plimoth Plantation offers live demonstrations of these crafts by skilled artisans but if you want to get together and braid some colored string, I’m sure we can work something out. I can make you a kickass anklet that will go great with those buckled booties. Everyone in the village will be like, “Hark! What in the Heavens is that sorcery around thou ankle?! Colors are the work of the devil… To the gallows!” It’ll be great. Bring your sleeping bag.

I think I speak for all beekeepers when I say, “Whaaa?!” As a beekeeper myself I can vouch for the fact that we look way cooler now and not at all like something from a horror movie. Unless that movie is about an infectious disease because we do kind of look like Hazmat containment personnel. And I feel like saying that beekeepers look “cool” speaks volumes about my propensity for girl-only birthday parties until I was well out of college.

You should also know the Plimoth Plantation Thanksgiving dinners sell out in a matter of days. I bought my tickets on June 2nd. By June 3rd there were no more. It’s like… the hottest show to hit the New World since 1492.

There are three dining times on Thanksgiving Thursday and one on the following Friday. So if eating dinner at 11 AM is your thing, you’re in luck. You’re also probably living in a dorm eating last night’s leftover pizza straight outta your mini-fridge.

For times, dining options, menus and purchasing tickets, see this page (but know it won’t be updated until closer to Thanksgiving, duh).

If you choose the 2:30 PM or the 6 PM dinner, be sure to arrive early to explore the Plantation BEFORE you eat. If this is your first time to the 1600s you may notice electricity hasn’t been invented yet and it’s dark as crap.

There’s a barn by the parking lot that has some goats and a llama. It’s easy to miss. But don’t–this is not a drill!

And last but not least, bags of acorns are on sale for $10 in the gift shop.